Human Voices
by Anaphalis
Summary: It is not that war creates monsters, it is that war brings out the monsters that are already hidden inside." Hallucinations. Inner voices. Lots of black coffee. Some wars need a different kind of weapon. RemusHermione (Complete)
1. Remus:Coffee Spoons

**Story Title:** Human Voices

**Author:** Anaphalis

**Story Summary**: "It is not that war creates monsters, it is that war brings out the monsters that are already hidden inside." Hallucinations. Inner voices. Lots of black coffee. Some wars need a different kind of weapon. Remus/Hermione

**Foreword**: If the first couple of chapters look familiar, you've probably read the "Coffee Spoons" One-Shots. Somehow, what were intended as a series of stand-alones all started to fit together, so I've decided to post them as a collection along with a couple of other viewpoints that can also stand alone (five altogether). The overall series is Remus/Hermione, although individual stories may or may not focus on that romance.

**Chapter Summary: **Some wars are fought in restaurants with a cup of black coffee.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowlings.

**Warning**: Rated R for language and violence.

**Remus-Coffee Spoons**

_For I have known them all already, known them all:_

_Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,_

_I have measured out my life with coffee spoons._

-T.S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

He drinks his coffee black. Today, it's in a muggle café in a sketchy part of old London, people running past the window, heads down, hurrying, hurrying away. Three years today. All of these scurrying people have no idea. There, where that woman is chatting on her cell phone, there Tonks fell to her knees, screaming until her throat was raw. The drunk with the gouged cheek is lying where Shacklebolt exploded like a giant firecracker.

Once, in a different lifetime, he took cream and two sugars with his coffee. In that life, he celebrated Christmas and made airplane noises for a baby with emerald eyes.

Three years. His hand shakes as he lifts the cup to his lips. The tremors are permanent. He was lucky, they said, that he could still feel his hands. Luck, as he knows all too well, has nothing to do with it.

It is not that war creates monsters, it is that war brings out the monsters that are already hidden inside. He knows something of hidden monsters himself. That, more than luck, more than fate, more than fucking manifest destiny, is why he has survived. His monster isn't ready to die yet.

He would have never gotten to know her without the war. She was so young, a friend of his ward, glowing with an energy he had long since lost. She promised him warmth and excitement. He promised her whatever was left of his heart.

Black coffee is the color of her eyes in passion. He has no pictures of her, no other way to hold on to her memory. While he is drinking his coffee he can remember her laughter, her all-embracing love. He can forget the image of her jumping, then falling, in front of him, her eyes as wide and blank as a china doll's.

When the cup is finished, he lays down a tip and quietly leaves. He turns, one last look at the place where his world ended. 'No fear darling,' he whispers. 'I promised that I would live and I always keeps my promises.'

###

A man walks into a restaurant and seats himself at a small table by the window. He drinks his coffee black.


	2. Draco:Counting to Twenty

**Chapter Summary: **Despite what the Gryffindors may have thought, Draco can count.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowlings.

**Warning**: Rated R for language and violence.

**Draco-Counting to Twenty**

_Between the idea_

_And the reality_

_Between the motion_

_And the act_

_Falls the Shadow_

-T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"

His father is dead.

_One..._

He killed him. Accidentally. By stabbing him ten times.

_Two..._

Bet the bastard never saw that one coming. And it was very muggle. Very satisfying. Never fuck with a Malfoy.

_Three..._

Speaking of fucks and muggles, isn't that Granger over there? She's shagging the werewolf. Not at the moment though.

_Four..._

It's not that he actually _cares_ what she does. It's not like the only reason he's bloody out here today is because she looked at him at the Order meeting and he couldn't say no.

_Five..._

Or maybe it is.

_Six..._

Funny things, those Order meetings. They're all such self-important twits that he wouldn't believe that they could actually win if he hadn't seen the conclusive prophesy himself.

_Seven..._

Malfoys are not zealots. Malfoys are survivors. Malfoys do not play for the losing team.

_Eight..._

He may think "mudblood" in his mind, and fantasize about a little muggle-baiting, but he would never let his beliefs interfere with his personal success.

_Nine..._

If only it wasn't taking so bloody long.

_Ten..._

They have The-Boy-Who-Had-His-Head-Up-His-Arse to thank for that. Stupid git gets all weepy at the thought of having to kill someone. Then he lets his precious mudblood friend out on the street to be outnumbered ten to one by armed Death Eaters.

_Eleven..._

He'd show Green-eyes what it's really like to be in pain if he wasn't so necessary for the future that the last of the Malfoys has chosen.

_Twelve..._

Damn.

_Thirteen..._

He's not even sure why the thought of Granger falling to one of his former friends makes him sick to his stomach. She's not pretty. She's obnoxious. Her blood is as brown as shite.

_Fourteen..._

Maybe it's the big tits.

_Fifteen..._

Or maybe not. All he knows is that he wants to wipe that smug, virtuous look off her face. Sully all that white with a little grey or black. Or maybe there's some other reason.

_Sixteen..._

Or maybe not. All he knows is that he hates his old professor for getting there first.

_Seventeen..._

He hates that Granger and the werewolf are fighting side by side like fucking matching bookends.

_Eighteen..._

He really hates that he's going over to them.

_Nineteen..._

The werewolf is on his "side" of Truth and Justice. So was his father. He's not sure that that says much for Truth or Justice. And the professor is so close to him and far too close to Granger.

_Twenty..._

Aw, hell with it. Twenty counts didn't get his temper under control the last time either.

_Avada kedavra._


	3. Dumbledore:Simple Math

**Chapter Summary: **Albus Dumbledore. A hallucinated Hermione Granger. No holds barred.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowlings.

**Warning**: Rated R for language and violence.

**Dumbledore-Simple Math**

_I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,_

_And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,_

_And in short, I was afraid._

-T.S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

She was just another necessary sacrifice in an unnecessary war.

_One hero plus one tragic loss equals victory spurred on by vengeance. _

Simple math, really. It had been easy enough to tweak the Malfoy boy's mind to push him over the edge. Who, after all, had revolutionized the fields of occlumency and legilimency?

_One killing curse plus one hero- complex equals one dead bookworm. _

There had been no other way to convince the Potter boy that it was necessary to kill, that the evil wouldn't stop until he faced Voldemort.

"That's bullshit."

She's sitting on his desk swinging her long, white legs back and forth. He can't ever recall her wearing a skirt that short when she was alive. He's also fairly sure that she always buttoned her blouse the entire way up.

"You're dead."

"Thirty points to the Headmaster."

She pulls a pack of cigarettes out of the breast pocket on her blouse.

"If you were a ghost you'd have shown up long ago. What are you?"

"I'd call myself your guilty conscience, except that genuine sociopaths don't feel guilt. If you lived in the muggle world they'd have institutionalized you years ago."

She puts one of the cigarettes in her mouth and lights it, taking a long drag as her eyes close in pleasure.

"Smoking is bad for you, Miss Granger."

"I'm dead. What's it going to do- kill me?"

He wonders why, of all the deaths he has been responsible for directly or indirectly, he has to deal with what Severus aptly called 'the insufferable know-it-all'.

"It's your perverted fantasy. You figure it out. I'm just going to light another fag."

Apparently he has to deal with a sarcastic, chain-smoking 'insufferable know-it-all'.

"Despite what self-centered notions you may entertain, your death has really not caused long-lasting problems for anyone else. Your death was regrettable but key to our ultimate victory. Everything that I've done has ultimately bettered the future of wizards and witches throughout the world. "

She watches him for a long moment, her face unreadable.

"Malfoy's been catatonic since he cast the curse, Remus is a shell that moves and Harry's mind snapped the instant he avada'd Voldemort. Virtually every bright and ambitious wizard under the age of a hundred tragically died in the war, and strangely enough, shortly after the war. The Wizarding World is a directionless mess and you seem to be the only person who holds any kind of control."

"I did what was necessary. I have no regrets."

Very briefly, he sees something that may have been sorrow flash in her eyes. "Very well then."

For the first time in his nearly two hundred years of life, Albus Dumbledore feels true fear. None of his many abilities seem able to prevent him from bringing the knife that has appeared on his desk up to his chest.

"What's happening to me?"

She sits on the edge of his cabinet, a faint column of smoke rising from her mouth. "One sociopathic headmaster plus one mind-reading hallucination equals a sudden desire to end it all. Atonement for past sins and all that."

She smiles, a curiously grim expression, as she hot-boxes a cigarette. "It's simple math, really."


	4. Harry':The Hollow Men

**Chapter Summary**: Harry is a special boy. And he gets a very special bedtime story.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowlings.

**Warning**: Rated R for language and violence.

**'Harry'-The Hollow Men**

_We are the hollow men_

_We are the stuffed men_

_Leaning together_

_Headpiece filled with straw._

-T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"

Once there was a boy, a very special boy. He lived with his parents in a little house in a little hollow. Then that all went to hell.

_Between the conception_

But he became something even more special, didn't he?

_And the creation_

And he loved the friends that he made after his tragic, tragic childhood.

_Between the emotion_

That's right- it was his feelings that gave him the strength to fight, to avenge those friends.

_And the response_

But something went wrong. The brave, conquering hero wasn't quite... all there afterwards.

_Falls the Shadow_

And now he's stuck here. In this special room. With me.

_Life is very long_

###

They don't know do they, Potter? They have no idea that it wasn't the _girl_ you were upset about. That you felt guilty because you were relieved she was gone. That maybe then you had a chance with her lover.

_Between the desire_

Did they know what really went through your mind as you cursed me?

_And the spasm_

That was what made your spell so effective- that hate, that guilt, that fear of discovery

_Between the potency_

That was what bound your mind to mine

_And the existence_

Because underneath it all, we are driven by the same things

_Between the essence_

Because you justified your feelings- in the end my death would save the world

_And the descent_

Because you were thinking of consoling your dead friend's lover even as you killed me

_Falls the Shadow_

And now you're mine.

_For Thine is the Kingdom_

###

They thought you were shell-shocked, because I prevented you from speaking.

_For Thine is_

And really, all those ambitious wizards were a lot happier if you weren't in the contest for power.

_Life is_

And you knew, as I knew, that really we were just pawns from the beginning- but I will at least control my fellow pawn.

_For Thine is the_

You can't keep me in here forever, Potter. There's so little of you left now that it won't be anytime at all before I'm in control. And I certainly won't make the orderlies think that I'm insane.

_This is the way the world ends_

Think what I could accomplish in the body of Harry bloody Potter.

_This is the way the world ends_

You, the only person who could stop me- too cowardly to fight for your own mind.

_This is the way the world ends_

What are you doing Potter?...POTTER!

_Not with a bang but a whimper._

###

Italicized lines are from "The Hollow Men" by T.S. Eliot. I really just wanted to do the song-fic from hell.


	5. Hermione: Human Voices

**Chapter Summary**: Death. Other lovers. Lack of a physical form. Nothing gets in the way of a Hermione rant.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowlings.

**Warning**: Rated R for language and violence.

**Hermione- Human Voices**

_We have lingered in the chambers of the sea_

_By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown_

_Till human voices wake us, and we drown._

- T.S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

Hermione Granger is dead. She shouldn't be able to feel nauseous. "It's all so _stupid. _All those plans and manipulations and hurting people- all of it was so pointless."

"It's all right, love. They'll all figure it out in their own time." Sirius gently kneads her shoulders and presses his lips to the top of her head.

She feels the tug and turns to face him, more than a little apprehensive.

He gives her a wry grin. "Don't worry- I knew that it would be you who would be going. Remus and I ended the minute you planted that firewhiskey kiss on him."

"I never meant to hurt either of you."

Sirius blows her a kiss as she disappears. "Best thing that ever happened to the both of us."

-###-

Remus is curled in a ball on his bed, his eyes staring blankly at the crumbling wallpaper.

Hermione has no patience for self-pity. "Get up you stupid sod!"

"Hermione?" His voice is a faint crackle, as if he hasn't used it in a long time. Two years, twenty-seven days to be precise.

"What in bloody hell do you think you've been doing? I didn't jump in front of Draco sodding Malfoy's wand so that you could become a vegetative lump!"

Good. She can see anger in his eyes. Anger is much better than emptiness.

"I would rather have died a thousand times over than watched you die once!"

"Well I did die. And you lived. Now do something with it!"

Remus seems to crumble in front of her. Her heart aches at the timidness in his voice. "What is it like... there?"

"A lot like here actually. Just better background music. Oh, and Sirius says 'Hi'."

Remus looks guilty. "That's probably the only reason I haven't offed myself. I have no idea how I'd tell Sirius that I can't be with him anymore. I still love him-"

Hermione feels like shit.

"-But your wolf only likes women. I'm so sorry, Remus. I would never have seduced you if I had known _why _you had never slept with a woman. I never meant to prevent you from being with Sirius just because your wolf didn't want anyone but me."

Suddenly Remus has grabbed her arm, pulled her so that she is forced to look him in the eyes.

"It was never just my wolf." And then he's pulling her into him, burying his head in the hollow of her shoulder.

Logically, she shouldn't have a physical form for him to hold.

Oh, fuck logic.

He's wrapped so tightly around her that his heart seems to be beating in her empty chest. She's missed this. She's missed _him_. Even for the dead, three years can be a very long time.

"I've missed you so much."

She wonders if there's a mental echo.

"I feel guilty about Sirius, but you've been all I've been able to think about."

This she can clear up. "Well, that's probably just as well since Sirius has a nice arrangement going with James and Lily."

This doesn't even seem to faze Remus. "What about you?"

She swallows hard. Ghosts shouldn't have aches in their throats. "Only you."

Remus is suddenly eager, excited. "Let me come with you then. There's no need to wait."

For one terrible moment, Hermione seriously considers agreeing. Then, with more strength than she knew she possessed, she gently moves out of his embrace.

"We'll have all the time in the world, love. I want to see you _live_. I want you to have stories to tell me for the rest of eternity."

He looks like someone has drained all the life from his face.

"It's not all bad, darling. What reminds you of us, of the good things?"

His voice is a mere whisper. "Coffee. Your eyes, when you-"

Okay, ghosts aren't supposed to blush either. "Um well, then just drink lots of coffee. But I want those stories Remus." She switches into the prissy, Head Girl voice that she knows he likes. "I expect a full accounting from you when we meet up again."

He almost laughs at that and there is a faint flicker of life in his eyes. "You always were a bossy little bitch."

"**Your** bossy little bitch, sweetheart."

"_Remus J. Lupin, open your door this minute or I will break it down!_"

Hermione can feel the tug starting at the back of her head.

"I've got to go, Remus."

"Not yet. Not yet." He's almost whimpering.

Oh, fuck the afterlife. It can wait another fucking minute.

She grabs the back of his head and gives him a hard, open mouth kiss that would have melted her brain if she still had a body.

"Don't forget- I love you, you stupid sod."

"Love you too."

Red hair flashes in the corner of her eye. One of the remaining Weasleys, Bill maybe, is coming through the door. "You can't live like this, Remus. It's been three years. You need to move on man!"

Just before she disappears, just before Bill fully enters the room, Remus meets her eyes and smiles for the first time since the war.

"I am going to live. But first, I need to get myself a cup of coffee."

-###-

_**-The End-**_

**Reviewer Responses**

**minervads**: I appreciated your comments and I'm glad that you think that the idea is worth stretching out- I think that it is a bit of a dark take on the Potterverse and I wasn't sure how other people would react. Though I have to say that it's been a real challenge for me to try and come up with a completely different mindset for all of the characters. I've had a lot of fun. And I'm not sure what that says about me....

**Raggedy Sam**: I really felt badly for Remus too, which is part of the reason that I ended up writing the Hermione viewpoint the way I did. Sadly, I like Remus far too much to make him permanently miserable. Thanks for taking the time to comment!

**BlackHorntailJunior**: It's amazing what kind of weird stuff you find floating around your imagination. I had no idea until I wrote this how annoyed I'd been getting at reading stories where Draco was always unambiguously reformed, Dumbledore was always benevolent, Harry was always following the purest motives and Hermione had no personality. Despite what it may seem like, I actually _like_ all these characters. But yes, I did have a lot of fun writing a dark and creepy take on them. I'm glad that you enjoyed it!

**honeydew**: I'm really honored that you think the story is eloquently written- I've agonized over whether or not most of the chapters were even readable after I was finished. I was trying to write each viewpoint in a slightly different literary style and I think that some of them ended up working out better than others. Thank you for taking the time to review.

_Updated 12-04-04 _


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